Help! We're fed up of visitors staying too long at our home in France
Columnist Cynthia Spillman gives her advice on setting boundaries for guests
Remember that you do not have to be a martyr or provide a free hotel service to guests
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Dear Cynth,
A Dutch acquaintance who moved to France at a similar time to us (2019) has a three-day rule for friends and family wishing to visit her.
While three days feels perhaps a little too severe for our house guests from the UK, how can I impose, say, a five-day rule for ours without upsetting anyone?
Our record stay for a house guest to date is two months!
AG
This is a real chestnut and one of the few downsides of having a home abroad. You suddenly acquire lots of wannabe visitors! I feel very strongly about this subject.
We had a situation last year in which some UK “friends” invited themselves to stay with us for 12 days!
These people were mere acquaintances and we were left somewhat speechless after their phone call announcing their arrival.
However, I decided to practise what I preached and we rang them back and said they could stay for just three nights.
I am certainly going to pull up my socks in future, because the visit was a disaster.
The husband arrived ill, without warning, and naturally we both caught the virus!
Without going into minutiae, never again! The whole experience turned out to be excruciating – for us.
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Firstly, do you want these people to come and stay at all? If you don’t, then you can tell them that you are not available.
That was my first mistake – I did not actually want these people to come!
You do not have to explain yourself and you do not have to feel guilty about it either. Your home is your haven.
Secondly, if a five-day rule is what you are comfortable with, then tell people in advance that five days is the maximum stay.
You are under no obligation to give reasons, but if you do, you could say that you have very busy lives and you need some down time for yourselves.
This is not selfish – but self-caring. You do not have to be a martyr or provide a free hotel service to guests.
Also, decide in advance and communicate to them clearly, perhaps in an email, if you plan to entertain them, take them out on sightseeing trips – or if you would prefer them to just use your home as their base and they look after themselves.
The fact that you mention you had house guests for two months makes my hair stand on end and suggests you have issues about setting boundaries.
To me, five days seems a lot. I prefer the three-day rule. If it all goes well, then there is nothing to stop YOU inviting your guests again (note that puts you in the driving seat).
One of the first articles I wrote for The Connexion was on the subject of dealing with house guests, so I refer you to that for further input.
