Help! We live in France but really miss our grandchild in the UK

My husband and I have been dreaming about retiring to our second home in Dordogne all our lives, and we finally made it happen in 2019. 

The trouble is, my daughter (still in the UK) has recently had a grandson – our first grandchild – and now I am having serious regrets that we are not nearer to forge a close relationship as he grows up. 

I feel miserable, and keep going back to the UK for short trips to see them. My husband loves it here in France though, and will not entertain the idea of moving back. What should I do? AE

I can identify with your dilemma as I too have a grandchild in the UK. Although there is no easy answer, I would like to make some suggestions. 

You say you are miserable – have you been honest with your husband about how you are feeling? It is vital that he understands, because if you do not tell him clearly, your unhappiness may come out sideways in the form of resentment.

If it is too painful for you to have a face-to-face conversation, then put it in an email. Make your husband part of the solution and do not create a new problem by bottling up your feelings. 

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Being a grandparent is tough

Grandchildren are a wonderful thing, and your grandchild is your first, so you are very much still in the “honeymoon period” of grandparenting. 

While your desire to be closer is natural, the reality is that at the baby stage you may miss your grandson, but he will not notice your absence as keenly. 

With technology, it is so easy to keep in touch with family abroad. You could set up a weekly video call so you do not feel you are missing out so much. 

Your daughter could send you regular photographs and updates. Just because you are across the Channel does not mean you have to miss out on all of the important milestones.

There is an organisation in France called the Association Grands-Parrains that links voluntary grandparents with families of children who do not have any . 

Although this is not a direct solution, it could be of benefit to you and indeed to the children involved.

You say your husband loves France. Try to focus more on what you like about France and less on what you are missing out on. 

Encourage your daughter and family to visit you in France as often as they are able and, do not forget, your grandson will soon grow up and be able to visit you on his own! 

This is a situation which requires compromise on all parts. The last thing your daughter will want is for her parents to be unhappy in their French home. You owe it to yourselves to make this work.

There is no guarantee that if you lived near your daughter you would see more of her. People have busy lives and perhaps being in France will be a greater motivation for all concerned to make the effort to see each other and spend quality time together.