'My wife has learned French but I am struggling - and reliant on her'
Columnist Cynthia Spillman gives her advice on how to develop language skills
Lack of language skills can cause isolation
EleniVasiliou/Shutterstock
Dear Cynth,
My wife and I moved to France five years ago. She already spoke university-level French, but mine was only basic.
Despite my best efforts, I have struggled to improve much over here.
The result is that my wife is forced to do most of the admin for both of us and obviously has a wider social circle too.
I feel completely dependent on her and it has really altered the dynamics of our relationship.
She keeps encouraging me, and I am still taking French lessons so gradually improving, but I know I will never be as fluent as her and worry we will never feel like an equal partnership over here.
VC
This is a really common issue. In fact, it somewhat mirrors my own situation. I am bilingual and my husband Peter has struggled with my superior language skills.
Firstly, stop being so hard on yourself. Five years is not a long time to have been living in France.
Comparisons are rarely helpful. You are doing your best and it sounds as if your wife is fully supportive of your efforts.
In practical terms, you can do a number of things. You say you are taking French lessons.
Could you ask your teacher for an honest appraisal of your current level? If the class does not suit your needs, then there will be others that do – including online.
Encourage your wife to speak French to you as often as possible. You do not have to “get it right”. You are seeking progress and not perfection.
Read more: Learning French – what does d’accord mean and when should it be used?
Watching TV will improve your French
Get advice from Cynth
Do you have a problem associated with living in France that is causing upset or worry?
Our advice column can help. Write to: askcynth@connexionfrance.com.
Any letters selected for publication will be anonymised. Cynthia will endeavour to reply to all emails.
Ensure you listen to plenty of French radio and watch French TV as much as you can. Even if you have to read the subtitles – it will still sink in over time!
Never miss an opportunity to practise your French.
You say your wife has a wider social circle. You have the perfect opportunity there to enhance your speaking skills.
Do not worry about making mistakes. People appreciate that you are making the effort. My husband has, on occasion, come out with “proper howlers”, but has lived to tell the tale!
Try and find a local international organisation in your area with a mix of French people and expats. Do you have any hobbies and interests of your own? If so, search for local opportunities to find a club or organisation.
As for your relationship dynamics, it is essential to be honest with your wife and to share how you feel. Remind yourself of all the areas in which you have skills that she does not possess.
In every relationship, people have different skills and attributes. It is not a competition. You are a team and are working together to create a happy, new life in France.
