How to cope when the shine comes off your ‘perfect’ new life in France
High expectations and a lack of support can soon lead to feelings of isolation – but don't suffer in silence
Many expats have admitted to loneliness
Kateryna Onyshchuk / Alamy
As two wonderful months in our new Provencal home are drawing to a (temporary) close, I have been contemplating a sobering topic.
This is not intended to shame anybody. I have been there myself. I prefer to be candid and suggest some solutions to what can be an unspoken issue.
What’s the problem?
As a non-drinker of 27 years, I have observed the excessive alcohol intake of some expats.
I know from my own ancient battle with booze, that nobody wakes up one morning and decides that they are going to drink too much.
There are always reasons behind it. Mine were tragedy and trauma. I self-medicated and alcohol proved to be a “helpful” crutch – until it turned on me.
I am not intent on preaching universal temperance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a social drinker.
My husband Peter drinks alcohol, and I have never been accused of being a party pooper because I am teetotal. But that is quite a different scenario from being controlled by, or dependent on alcohol.
Mental health – the big taboo
Delving below the surface, there seem to be some common themes. Anxiety, and its flipside, depression are among them.
How many people move to France with high expectations of future perfection?
The emotional malaise can come on gradually. Perhaps one day you feel on top of the world in your new French home; the next, you begin to notice that your mood is slipping.
Your sleep pattern starts to go haywire. You cannot be bothered to get out of bed. You lose your appetite. Aches and pains manifest themselves. Even personal self-care becomes a chore.
You are seeing life through a grey filter and are feeling overwhelmed.
Read more: Tips for those wanting to move to France but blocked by doubt
Absent support systems
These may range from missing your friends and family to having to register with the local médecin généraliste and discovering that they have a completely different approach to managing your health.
This happened to me after we arrived and resulted in a day of major angst.
On my first and only visit to her, my new doctor announced that she was forthwith taking me off most of my medications, some of which are essential for the management of my chronic health condition.
She did not know me from Adam, but she imperiously announced: “Tout ça c’est terminé!”
I have since found an excellent doctor, but I did start to pine for the NHS, foibles or not!
This is just one disconcerting example of how the new ground can be swept from under your feet. We can forget how comfortable we were with the familiar, until we encounter the new.
Keeping up with Les Joneses
You arrive and you realise that you are not part of the “clique.” You feel excluded and lonely.
For some it may trigger painful memories of being left out as a child, or remind you of other unpleasant group dynamics. We are all still children, walking about in adult bodies.
I have overheard people competing with pools, garden and house sizes, to name but a few. You might be on a tight retirement budget and you feel that you cannot possibly compete. Nor should you!
You start comparing what you have to your new friends and you feel “less than”. Maybe you are even plain bored, but would never admit it, out of guilt. After all, you are living the dream, so what is there to feel bad about?
Read more: How to deal with small French village mentality
You are not alone
A recent French survey of 5,000 expats found that loss of a support network was cited as a top stressor for 42.8% of respondents.
That is huge and must not be swept under the carpet. If you recognise yourself in any of this, it is vital to seek help.
If you had stomach pain, you would seek medical advice. Your feelings are valid.
Recognise that you are feeling low and talk to somebody about it. Treat your mind just as you would treat your body and listen to it.
Hanging on by the fingernails until “l’heure de l’alcool” is just not sustainable in the long term.
Tips for managing low mood
As I repeat ad nauseam, asking for help is a sign of strength.
Look out for any worrying signs within your family.
Get enough rest and sleep.
Set boundaries with others if feeling overwhelmed.
Try to limit your time on social media and get out there and meet real people. Social media can appear to be a wonderful escape, but in the long run it leaves you feeling empty. It will not address nor solve your woes. Use your computer as an asset to research activities, rather than to isolate.
Never suffer in silence – your feelings are valid.
Have you found yourself experiencing a low mood since you moved to France? If so, please do share your story and email Cynthia at Cynthia.spillman@connexionfrance.com
