'Nesting swallows have become a pest at my French home'

The swallows are back and I am on the warpath, because the wretched birds will insist on nesting right on top of the downpipe from the guttering. 

This has two side effects. 

Firstly, it means they drop dozens of sticks a day all over my front doorstep: twigs from the Christmas tree, large sticks from the cherry tree, bits of straw bale and even a short length of tinsel. 

Secondly, it means they block the downpipe, making it overflow in the spring thunderstorms. Last year, some of the nesting materials must have fallen right into the pipe too, because it blocked up completely and eventually made the wall of the house so damp that the plaster came off on the inside wall. Grrr. 

It took ages to find someone to unblock it, and the work wasn't cheap, either. (The downpipe goes straight into the drains.)

Read more: France's swallow population has fallen by 40% in the last 20 years

Protected species

So I am determined to discourage them this year. My nosy neighbour tells me that swallows are protected and that you are not allowed to prevent them building nests anywhere they like. Apparently, you are not even allowed to give them nasty looks. 

But come on! The village is absolutely overflowing with invitingly quiet trees, abandoned barns and rarely used houses. They can build as many nests as they want in the eaves of the church opposite the house. No one ever uses it anyway. Why does it have to be my downpipe? 

So anyway, I have taken to opening my bedroom window wide every morning, just to breath in the fresh morning air and practise a few singing scales while stretching my arms upwards and outwards to embrace the new day. It only takes five minutes. 

I have also put some washing lines out on the balcony, just so I can dry some laundry. Nothing to do with scaring swallows away. Drying clothes outside is so much more ecological than using the tumble dryer, don't you think?

Read more: Letters: We too have seen a huge drop in biodiversity in French countryside

Rebuilding nests again and again

I am secretly pleased to say that swallows don't seem to like it much. They keep dive bombing me, and the door mat outside the front door is covered with angry bird droppings. Every night they add more sheep wool and moss, and every morning they listen to my singing efforts and start moving elsewhere. 

But then once the night falls, they sneak back and start their construction works all over again.

I am not giving in. The nest has to be built somewhere else. It cannot be atop my downpipe. I wish I could explain it to them, but as it is I reckon they will have to work it out for themselves. 

Luckily no one else in the village seems to have noticed my less-than-musical singing efforts, or my flapping laundry, so I am wondering whether I could step up my exercise routine. Perhaps I could pull my trampette out onto the balcony? The sight of a strange female bouncing up and down in her nightie really ought to put them off, don't you think?