How to navigate a culture clash with your French in-laws and partner

The honeymoon is over, you are settling into your relationship in France with your partner, and you are looking forward to a life of connubial bliss.

Then, gradually, you realise that your in-laws do not like you. 

Can you do anything to improve things, or at least mitigate any potential damage?

Communication is key 

If you are going to enjoy a successful relationship, it is essential to build excellent communication skills.

How else are you going to bridge the cultural gap, if you cannot even discuss it calmly with your partner?

Communication needs to be mutual and respectful. You might feel enraged by the way your in-laws are treating you, but taking it out on your partner could result in exacerbating your differences. Have some time out together in a neutral place and take it in turns to explain your point of view.

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Education and explanation

It is your responsibility to find out as much as you can about your partner’s culture. A large amount of what we say and do is influenced by our culture. What might be acceptable in our partner’s may be unacceptable in ours.

Ask your partner to support you as you try to explain your culture to their family. It is much better that they learn this from you than fall into the trap of believing stereotypes about foreigners. You can educate your partner and their family in a friendly way.

Understand taboo subjects 

The last thing you want is to offend your in-laws. The best person to advise you on taboo topics is your partner. There are some things that might be completely off the table for discussion.

Your partner should afford you the same courtesy and let their family know your own boundaries. This could involve how you speak to elderly relatives, whether you use tu or vous when addressing them.

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At times, you will make mistakes. When you do, apologise. We all get it wrong. 

I become infuriated if I hear the famous line from Love Story: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” 

As somebody who is enjoying a wonderful third marriage – and also as a former relationship coach – I know that love means having to say you are sorry repeatedly!

Speak their language

If you do not speak the same language as your in-laws, make it a top priority to learn. If you cannot speak their language, you are inevitably going to feel excluded. If they don’t speak yours, offer to teach them!

When you live in a foreign country, it is only fair you should learn that country’s language. You do not have to become an expert, but learning it is polite and a sign of commitment to making your life a success.

The more you improve, the less of a barrier there will be with in-laws. It will take time, but it is worth the effort.

Focus on similarities

You and your partner have committed to each other for many good reasons.

Sometimes, when there is trouble in families, it is easy to lose sight of what attracted you to each other in the first place. Your happiness can feel like it is being subsumed in a sea of conflict.

It is at times like this that you and your partner need to carve out space for each other as a couple – away from any familial hassle and input. If this means taking a trip and reconnecting, then so be it.

Remind yourselves and each other of all the areas in your relationship that work well. Tell one another how much you appreciate each other. Also, try to focus on areas in your background that you have in common.

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Know your limits

It should go without saying that you should never tolerate being treated in an abusive way. Sometimes, cultural differences can destroy a relationship.

Everybody has a different breaking point and it is up to you to decide your red lines. If you are subjected to violence, several organisations in France can help you find support, including the Fédération Nationale Solidarité Femmes (FSNF).

The government also has advice

The stress of trying to keep everyone happy could become too much and you might need professional counselling. See counsellinginfrance.com for details of English-speaking counsellors.

Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Tips for bridging the culture gap

• A good relationship is worth working at; 

• Education can overcome misunderstanding;

• Celebrate events together that are important in each other’s culture;

• Focus on the similarities in your background, rather than differences;

• Seek professional help if necessary;

• Cross the language divide.

Have you encountered cultural differences in your relationship? Tell cynthia@connexionfrance.com.